YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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