someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
