i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
