i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
even my farts smell like vagina
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
