Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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