Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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