yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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