Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
