I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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