Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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