I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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