I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I just want nice things and good sex
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
