My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
