i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
