I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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