i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
