The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
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My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
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Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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