if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
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