it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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