the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
