Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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