My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Randomize
