I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
