Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
MIDGETS
????
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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