Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
