Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
