So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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