i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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