apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
