There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
