shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
