It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
