so let's talk penis.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
