Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
