I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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