fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
