You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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