I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I will pee on everything he values.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
