You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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