I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
