I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
