In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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