Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
