Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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