Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
