So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
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