If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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