is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
