As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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