don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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