The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
