I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
