If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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