I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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