I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
