my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
