I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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