Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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