Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica